I have been home for six days. I am amazingly lucky to be home. Unlike many others in similar circumstances I have escaped life in a nursing home. More than most people I realize just how fortunate I am. I tell myself this each and every day--it is my mantra "I am lucky to be home". This is a fact I cannot ever dismiss because if it were not for my familial support I would be rotting away in an institution. Yet at the same time I struggle with my dependence on others. I struggle knowing that I am stuck in my living room for months on end. I struggle to keep my mind active. I struggle to eat a high protein diet as ordered by the surgeon. And worst of all I struggle to be grateful for the fact I am home. Talk about being ungrateful! Here is the strange dichotomy between one's intellectual knowledge and personal feelings. I know I have no right to complain about the current state of my affairs. But my brain and heart seem to disagree.
I miss my wheelchair. I miss my desk. I miss ordinary household chores. I miss working up an appetite kayaking in the Hudson River. I miss teaching. I miss going for a drive. I miss my very boring and ordinary life. I know this sounds pathetic. I also worry if I am thinking and feeling along these lines what will I be thinking in November. I suppose I am learning the adaptation process I am going through now is more difficult than I imagined. For goodness sake the weather appears to affect my moods. On gloomy days outside my mood reflects the climate. Wow, how life has changed. Weather never influenced me like this before. I cannot help but wonder how my experience will impact my future thoughts and experiences. For one thing I am sure, each and every time I get in and out of my wheelchair I will be nothing but grateful.