The list of things I cannot do is long. The list of things I can do is short, far too short. I can eat, write, read, and manage a small world in my living room. But that living room is akin to Mars. What your average human can do I cannot. This reality is hard to accept much less live wiyh. We Americans celebrate personal autonomy, self determination, and independence--these are core cultural beliefs. We conveniently ignore the very real factors, social, economic and physical, that affect one's ability to be independent. When we fail to be independent that failure is often self directed. Well, I am not directing any such self blame inward. But this does not mean I am happy. What I am is emotional--yikes this is hard to cope with. I frequently well up in tears and my frustration level is off the chart. As I told one friend, I don't do dependency well. Like it or not, I will ned to master this in the coming months without losing my sense of self. For now I am taking things day by day and moving from the trauma of two weeks in the hospital and two bloody debredements.
The above thoughts led me to read Bob Murphy's Body Silent yet again. He eloquently wrote about how his life as quadriplegic made him utterly dependent on his wife and family. The stress and angst thiscaused was significant. How this will affect me, my family, and friends ask for help is to be determined. At least my son is out of the equation--he is at colloge and will not return to the Xmas holidays at which point I will be up and around or close to it. So here I lay and wory. I am not worried about healing. I know I will heal. No my worries are tied to those I am dependent upon. This concern I know is base on the fact relationships are reciprocal, a give and take. Well, I am going to be doing more taking than giving. I thus feel powerless, not a good frae of mind or method to manage relationships. But I also know this is a short lived state. I simply hope I survive this intact and with continued family support.